So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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