I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
