Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
