I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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