My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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