i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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