He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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