I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
