made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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