I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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