My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
