I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
