just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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