I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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