so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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