Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
