No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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