I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
