Don't you send me to vm
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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