Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
