i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
