I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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