If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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