No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
