I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
