Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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