So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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