hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
