im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
