Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
