can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
