The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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