I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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