dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
