first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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