the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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