my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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