i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
