Plan B is the new Plan A
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize