when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
