you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
