every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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