im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
