while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
