even my farts smell like vagina
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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