i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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