Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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