My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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