when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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