I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
