so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
