He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
