just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
