2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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