My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
